Nod Vigorously and Say, “Hmm” The easiest way to prove you really care is to agree with the painting. Bob your head up and down. Make sure to vocalize a little with a “hm” or an “ah” to show that you’re still being critical. Yes, it’s in a museum and it has been carefully curated, but it hasn’t been run past YOU yet.
Take a Picture of It Get really far back from the painting and tell everyone else to get out of the way. Don’t worry, it’s worth it. This will definitely be the best picture ever taken of this painting.
Take Notes Feel free to pull out your Moleskin and make a rough sketch of that Magritte. Or maybe jot down some notes. Some of my favorites are “good painting,” or, “very red.” The note is not important; what is important is that you write it frantically and smile maniacally while saying “yes, YES!” under your breath over and over.
Read Way Too Much Into It Sure, Jesus isn’t in it. But like, isn’t he?
Mention the Artist’s Early Work It was so much better.
Sob Uncontrollably Cry. Cry hard. Cry Loudly. Cry Often. Find an emotional connection to the painting and let it fuel your tears. Whistler’s Mother? You also have a mother.
Laugh Say the painting told you a good joke. That one about the interrupting cow.
Sing to It In Spanish. Or Italian. Or Latin. Anything but English, really. There are no English songs about art.
Write a Rap Musical About the Painter This is the only way people show they care about history. See if you can rhyme “Cézanne” and “spray can.”
Bring it a Homemade Soup The painting’s love language is gifts AND acts of service, so by taking the time out of your busy schedule to make a mint gazpacho in your Dutch oven, you’re showing everyone a deep understanding of the painting’s needs.
Inquire Loudly About the Price Snap your fingers in the air until someone checks on you, then pull out a piece of paper and write a number on it.
Go Keto To fully appreciate beauty, you can’t eat starch.
Tuck the Painting into Bed As the museum closes, read it a bedtime story and dribble some warm milk on the floor in front of it. Also, leave a light on. It gets scared.
Get The Painting Tattooed On Your Chest Then, unbutton your shirt and stand next to the real painting. Maybe even make a tiny plaque to hold in your mouth. You’re art now, baby.
Imply That You’re Immortal People trust the taste of old people, so just drop little clues by saying things like, “Ah, to be mortal again,” or, “I will never die and this painting is the only thing that makes my unending existence bearable.”
Touch the Wall Next to It and Moan A little to the left. Oh yeah, right there. That’s some good art.
Buy Billboards Frances-McDormand style. Plaster the painting all over town until you get some goddamn answers about these water lilies.
Cut Your Ear Off An oldie but a goodie. Also, no matter what else you accomplish in your life, everyone will fixate on this one thing.
Start a Religion Around the Painting The painting is your god now. Throw out everything about modern theology and start from scratch. But, maybe keep Christmas.
Burn the Heretics Set the non-believers ablaze. The truth will prevail. God is dead, and Painting killed him. There is only Painting now. Pledge allegiance to Painting.
Ritualistic Killings Our Lord Painting demands a blood tribute. Commit a series of twisted murders in the name of Painting, each one more bizarre and brutal than the last. Send a letter to the police that they will need to use Painting to decode. If you’re caught, don’t tell them Painting told you to do it. Painting’s fire will burn on long after you.
Steal It They don’t appreciate Painting’s mercy like you do. They are not worthy of gazing upon her. Nobody understands how that pitchfork man and his farmer wife make you feel. Take Painting and leave the country with your disciples. Go somewhere where the people get it. Maybe France? Start a new life living with your congregation as a Parisian street mafia. It’s a rough life, but one filled with worship, community, and protection money from charcuterie shops. You don’t need anything more, you have Painting. If this sounds like too much, you can always just take a few steps back and:
Buy a Membership to the Museum Then use it to get a 5% discount on pastries at the museum restaurant. These savings will add up. Use that money to buy a gun. Then, rob the shit out of that museum.
